Compliments and Insults

This week, I thought I’d share my musings on compliments and insults. My focus here is primarily on how they have affected my fitness journey. We all handle them differently, and these are simply my thoughts on how I best handle them in fitness and in life.

In high school, I won Most Valuable Player for volleyball.  At the awards ceremony, our coach introduced my MVP award by saying, “You wouldn’t know it to look at him, but he was the best player on the team . . .”  No doubt, she intended the statement to be a compliment regarding my skill level and was unaware of the broader meaning in what she was saying about my body.  I held some mixed emotions over the speech, but I didn’t let it interfere with the thrill of winning.  It wasn’t the first time or the worst way anyone made a comment on my body. And of course, it was true.

I wrote about The Sunscreen Song and its wisdom last week, but one piece of advice from it that I did not mention, and one that I disagree with, is, “Remember the compliments you receive.  Forget the insults.”  If anything, I’d say the opposite.  Here’s why.

Remember the insults . . . and use them for motivation

The youthful version of myself mostly ignored the first part of my coach’s comment.  I saw it as, “I won MVP, and it didn’t even matter what my body looked like.”  For that, I patted myself on the back.  I congratulated myself for being the best without even thinking about what that comment meant about being the best that I could be.  Oh, if only I had focused more on the insult and less on the compliment.  In my mind, I was competing with everyone else, and I won, when I should have been competing with myself and could have done better.

Dismissing each insult was a lost opportunity.  For years, I accepted them as true rather than using them for motivation.

During my journey, my mindset changed.  One of the ways in which that happened is that everything I did became a competition only with myself.  I didn’t spend time wondering if I was, or could be, better than someone else.  If I had, I could end up with a seemingly daunting task that might be too much to take on, or I could end up with one that was too simple to consider as an accomplishment.  Beating myself became the benchmark.

I’ve received lots of praise on this journey.  Those closest to me notice my dedication to the process which they’ve witnessed throughout.  They see what I am doing every day and know the many ways in which I have changed.  So many of my closest friends and family have been incredibly supportive and complimentary.  Those I see less often notice bigger differences and express genuine surprise and happiness.  But when you start out where I was 10 years ago, even big differences leave a lot remaining on the path to a healthy body.  There were still plenty of reminders of where I needed to go – both by the compliments and insults.

Roughly five or six years into my journey, I was away with some friends at a gathering.  At the time, I felt as fit as ever, having probably lost about 40 lbs. or so at that point.  As one of my friends and I drove to Upstate New York for that weekend, he shared with me how impressed he was by my dedication to fitness and how my process motivated him to start trying to “win the week” – meaning work out more days each week than you don’t.  I felt appreciative of the recognition and was proud of my accomplishments.  So much so that the compliment nearly made me feel satisfied.  Yet later that day at the larger gathering, I was playing games with my friend’s daughter when she naively asked, “Why is your belly so big?”  Yes, again, this was true, and quite frankly, it was what I needed to hear.  The conversation I had earlier that day with my friend nearly let complacency set in.  Instead, an unintentional punch in the gut by my friend’s daughter brought my focus back to the reality of what I had left to achieve.  Appreciating the honesty of an innocent child let me know where I was, and where I was going, in the competition with myself

Express gratitude for the compliments . . . and then forget them

With this mindset during my journey, I’ve actually found it harder to receive compliments than to deal with the insults.  There’s an inner tension that I feel between wanting to let the compliment go, but also wanting to express my gratitude for it.  Giving compliments is a good thing, and it’s important to receive them well.  They are pure selflessness that should be rewarded and appreciated.  I truly feel gratitude for all the ones I’ve received as people praise my weight loss and fitness.  Once I give thanks for a compliment, I do my best to let it go – hoping to stay humble and remain focused.  Which is why I say, “forget the compliments.”  Also, I’ve found that the more I do that, the sooner the next one comes.

My focus on fitness from a time when I was very heavy brought many compliments from those with the best intentions, and they undoubtedly lifted me up.  Many came when I was running, which I started doing a little less than a year into my journey.

First, I was inspired to run long ago by a Nike ad, entitled “Find Your Greatness,” showing an overweight boy running.  I found it inspiring that someone who looked like I did could find greatness, and I always wanted to compliment that kid.  Ironically, some were critical of the ad and suggested it was misleading because obesity should be shown, not as greatness, but as a barrier to it.  Thanks to whoever said that!  More motivation!

As I took on running, I often received a smile or a “thumbs up” from others out there on the trail.  The gestures acknowledged my struggle and were messages to keep going.  But thinking on them anymore than that could have led me to complacency, so I showed my appreciation and moved on.  I also knew that’s what they wanted me to do.  And now I do my best to pay it forward any time I see a struggling runner on the trail.  👍🏼

Then one day, I was running in Central Park, when I approached a group who, let’s just say, was not in the park to focus on health or fitness.  As I ran towards them, one of them mocked me by making gestures of a running gorilla.  Really?  Who would do that?  I soon passed them.  They were out of sight, but not out of mind.  I drew on that mockery every time I went running after that, and I still do today.  I may even fictionalize it to myself by making it worse than it was because the greater the insult, the more motivated I am.  On that I am not alone.  Michael Jordan was famous for making up stories of opponents trash talking him just to motivate himself for the competition.

For many years, running was a struggle that was often noticed and recognized by fellow runners who gave encouraging gestures. Today, I do that to others when observing a similar struggle.

With all that said, let me be clear that there are far more people out there giving compliments than insults, as there should be.  Sure, there are those out there who rejoice in shaming others, but most are there to praise and even be inspired themselves.  Seek out those people in life who are the ones that compliment you; draw motivation from those who don’t. Not many days go by lately without someone paying me a compliment on the journey. Even to today, my weight has continued to drop rapidly — due to fitness — but far below where I ever imagined. People have been very kind in their praise, and to everyone who has been so complimentary, I sincerely thank you — and apologize as I do my best to forget about it.

While mostly about fitness today, I do find all the same concepts to be just as true at work.  Litigation is a competitive field.  There’s opportunity for insults – either real or perceived.  I recently saw a great lawyer called a “jackass” in court by opposing counsel. It’s not worth the ink to glorify much of what I’ve seen or heard during the years, other than to say, that it all becomes bulletin board material for motivation.  Meanwhile, the compliments received for hard work, success, and mentoring give me pride in what I do, but I do much better by leaving them in that moment than by resting on them going forward.  Greatness — whether in work or fitness — comes from working towards the next compliment, not by remembering the last one.

Aaron